we share with billions of people. borders and empires are built in separation to others.
now comes in new order. now we see segregation crossing over into a common cause. people never ceased to amaze me. some fight for money and power. some give lives away in pursuit of rights. some in stand still. some in blazed.
the earth hour. comes an hour in a day when we the occupiers of this earth may forget our differences and catch on one similar cause.
write. write and write. thats all i have on my mind. i wake up and i reach for the fonts on the screen. maybe i am losing my mind.
"last year, more than 50 million people around the globe participated. this year Earth Hour aims to reach out to one billion people in 1,000 cities" (the sun: march 16th 2009)
i dont own anything partial on this earth. i wonder why i would choose flight tickets over pieces of diamonds. maybe i am a drifter rather than a patent.
so encouragement for this earth hour, yes?
what comes and happens after. we go back to our lives and into our lands. what changed?
for mother earth's sake. lets hope for the best.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
my wrong
where did i put things i wasnt suppose to? where did i say the words that hurt you? where did i not give my purest?
let me correct my wrong. let me fill in the gaps where it was left empty. let me do right by you. let me do it right for myself.
now youre gone. its all gone. something i probably will never get back. and im left here, not a victim to love but a triumph of war. you ignited something deeper than any of us anticipated. and it probably scared the both of us, perhaps thats why you left. i dont think you or i will ever know why. and that is through not fault on either of us.
i never wanted anything more but to drown in ur arms and warmth. that comfort from just being held. that calmness from just being close to u. that sincerity from hearing ur heart beat.
even though it was never meant to be. even though we never spent as much time. even though we knew it would be temporary. even though i knew better to not let my emotions cloud my thoughts. even tho. i still miss you. and i hate missing you. because i know you probably have moved on and forgot about me. i should have known better.
we all have dark secrets we keep in the closet. for ourselves but also secrets on others. i certainly have mine.
let me correct my wrong. let me fill in the gaps where it was left empty. let me do right by you. let me do it right for myself.
now youre gone. its all gone. something i probably will never get back. and im left here, not a victim to love but a triumph of war. you ignited something deeper than any of us anticipated. and it probably scared the both of us, perhaps thats why you left. i dont think you or i will ever know why. and that is through not fault on either of us.
i never wanted anything more but to drown in ur arms and warmth. that comfort from just being held. that calmness from just being close to u. that sincerity from hearing ur heart beat.
even though it was never meant to be. even though we never spent as much time. even though we knew it would be temporary. even though i knew better to not let my emotions cloud my thoughts. even tho. i still miss you. and i hate missing you. because i know you probably have moved on and forgot about me. i should have known better.
we all have dark secrets we keep in the closet. for ourselves but also secrets on others. i certainly have mine.
the greatest love
maybe one day ill figure it out.
maybe not.
maybe it is today.
i never thought of this before though. perhaps with the climatic setting, and the song, and the writing of marcell, and the person whom im having this conversation with. perhaps i am not meant to find that great love people speak of. that great love people write about. that great love people sing about. perhaps my greatest love will be for God. for Allah.
maybe thats why i am who i am, maybe thats why i am the way i am. somehow, this is a comforting thought. somehow i feel calm. somehow.
maybe there can be no one to take me as who i am, besides Him. maybe i should devote all my love for Him.
maybe i should try.
how do i though? i am not that religious. i am not equipped with enough iman. i dont wear a hijab. i know not nearly enough knowledge of the religion. i have more sins than i have deeds. maybe i can start with faith. the believe of what happens in our lives were meant to happen the way it happened, no matter. that faith i have. the believe in God and His amazingness. that faith never left my being. the believe in life and death and what comes after. that faith is a constant reminder.
maybe its about time.
maybe not.
maybe it is today.
i never thought of this before though. perhaps with the climatic setting, and the song, and the writing of marcell, and the person whom im having this conversation with. perhaps i am not meant to find that great love people speak of. that great love people write about. that great love people sing about. perhaps my greatest love will be for God. for Allah.
maybe thats why i am who i am, maybe thats why i am the way i am. somehow, this is a comforting thought. somehow i feel calm. somehow.
maybe there can be no one to take me as who i am, besides Him. maybe i should devote all my love for Him.
maybe i should try.
how do i though? i am not that religious. i am not equipped with enough iman. i dont wear a hijab. i know not nearly enough knowledge of the religion. i have more sins than i have deeds. maybe i can start with faith. the believe of what happens in our lives were meant to happen the way it happened, no matter. that faith i have. the believe in God and His amazingness. that faith never left my being. the believe in life and death and what comes after. that faith is a constant reminder.
maybe its about time.
siapa kamu?
dimana ianya bermula dan dimanakah penghujungnya?
tiada makna jika bertungkus-lumus aku berterangan tetapi suara ku masih tidak kedengaran. tiada makna jika aku yang bersendirian pabila ia ditolak dengan segalanya. tiada makna jika aku saja yang mahu dan tidak sebaliknya. sia-siakah usahaku untuk menolong anak bangsa ku. anak didik ku. tidak pernah terlintas di fikiranku untuk meninggalkan perjuangan demi bangsa dan negaraku. pasrah hatiku melihat sebaliknya di kalangan anak muda yang tidak mengerti.
apakah yang harus aku lakukan. apa lagi yang harus aku perjuangkan. apakan daya ku mengubah keadaan. sayu hatiku melihat keadaan di sekeliling. segala yang ada, dijadikan mainan. segala yang telah berzaman diperjuangkan, dicemuh dan dicabar. keamanan tidak lagi menjadi kepentingan. kuasa adalah penghujung yang dipermainkan untuk mempergolakkan keharmonian. kuasa yang dipentingkan tanpa menghiraukan apa yang termusnah dalam perjalanan.
bukankah kita semuanya duta dan penghuni tanah air. mengapa menjatuhkan kedaulatan dan kemerdekaan yang telah dibayar dengan maruah dan ketumpahan darah. sudah lupakah kita dari manakah asalnya. sudah lupakah kita keadaan yang digempurkan di tanah Palestin, di tanah Iraq, di Bosnia dan di semua tanah yang berperangan untuk kuasa. Kemiskinan, kelaparan dan kehausan di Somalia, di India, di Afrika dan di semua tanah yang berjuang untuk hidup dari hari ke hari.
anak bangsa. apa dan siapakah kita. anak, mengertikah kita akan pertalian ini. bangsa, dimanakah penghormatan yang dimaksudkan.
kongkongan yang pernah ku lalui seperti kembali menghadapku. hampir semua tindakan ku dipersoalkan. dari semua sudut, keluarga, kerja, sahabat, anak didikan, orang dikasihi, orang disayangi dan orang yang membenci.
mungkin telah tiba masanya untuk aku berangkat dan meninggalkan segala kehampaan. dimana salah, silap dan kekuranganku, aku memohon maaf. mungkin telah ternyatakan buat ku untuk bersendirian selamanya. mungkin itu adalah penghujungku. tiap hari ku berjuang dan bertempur dengan diri ku sendiri mengharapkan iman. maafkan aku buat segala kekurangan ku Tuhan. mungkin aku tidak mampu menjadi insan yang Kau didikkan.
aku letih.
aku tidak mampu.
aku tidak mahu lagi.
tiada makna jika bertungkus-lumus aku berterangan tetapi suara ku masih tidak kedengaran. tiada makna jika aku yang bersendirian pabila ia ditolak dengan segalanya. tiada makna jika aku saja yang mahu dan tidak sebaliknya. sia-siakah usahaku untuk menolong anak bangsa ku. anak didik ku. tidak pernah terlintas di fikiranku untuk meninggalkan perjuangan demi bangsa dan negaraku. pasrah hatiku melihat sebaliknya di kalangan anak muda yang tidak mengerti.
apakah yang harus aku lakukan. apa lagi yang harus aku perjuangkan. apakan daya ku mengubah keadaan. sayu hatiku melihat keadaan di sekeliling. segala yang ada, dijadikan mainan. segala yang telah berzaman diperjuangkan, dicemuh dan dicabar. keamanan tidak lagi menjadi kepentingan. kuasa adalah penghujung yang dipermainkan untuk mempergolakkan keharmonian. kuasa yang dipentingkan tanpa menghiraukan apa yang termusnah dalam perjalanan.
bukankah kita semuanya duta dan penghuni tanah air. mengapa menjatuhkan kedaulatan dan kemerdekaan yang telah dibayar dengan maruah dan ketumpahan darah. sudah lupakah kita dari manakah asalnya. sudah lupakah kita keadaan yang digempurkan di tanah Palestin, di tanah Iraq, di Bosnia dan di semua tanah yang berperangan untuk kuasa. Kemiskinan, kelaparan dan kehausan di Somalia, di India, di Afrika dan di semua tanah yang berjuang untuk hidup dari hari ke hari.
anak bangsa. apa dan siapakah kita. anak, mengertikah kita akan pertalian ini. bangsa, dimanakah penghormatan yang dimaksudkan.
kongkongan yang pernah ku lalui seperti kembali menghadapku. hampir semua tindakan ku dipersoalkan. dari semua sudut, keluarga, kerja, sahabat, anak didikan, orang dikasihi, orang disayangi dan orang yang membenci.
mungkin telah tiba masanya untuk aku berangkat dan meninggalkan segala kehampaan. dimana salah, silap dan kekuranganku, aku memohon maaf. mungkin telah ternyatakan buat ku untuk bersendirian selamanya. mungkin itu adalah penghujungku. tiap hari ku berjuang dan bertempur dengan diri ku sendiri mengharapkan iman. maafkan aku buat segala kekurangan ku Tuhan. mungkin aku tidak mampu menjadi insan yang Kau didikkan.
aku letih.
aku tidak mampu.
aku tidak mahu lagi.
marriage
what is it with the society's perception on benchmarking life's success on marriage? atleast to the eastern culture as we know it (all too well than agreed)
the becoming of age. the age when ure suppose to get married. and then the years ure suppose to have babies. doesnt it seem like the stages of live then is dictated by what the society thinks is best rather than what we think is best. (by society i mean our close relations that we can barely even contest to)
i do wana see myself settle down. start a family. but as of at this age (where im already supposed to be sumone's wife) i cant even take care of myself let alone a spouse or a family. i barely know myself in oppose to letting sumone else get to know me that close.
somehow that image i have of a family never came with a partner. maybe i am not meant to find that great love. for those who have it, hold on to it.
the becoming of age. the age when ure suppose to get married. and then the years ure suppose to have babies. doesnt it seem like the stages of live then is dictated by what the society thinks is best rather than what we think is best. (by society i mean our close relations that we can barely even contest to)
i do wana see myself settle down. start a family. but as of at this age (where im already supposed to be sumone's wife) i cant even take care of myself let alone a spouse or a family. i barely know myself in oppose to letting sumone else get to know me that close.
somehow that image i have of a family never came with a partner. maybe i am not meant to find that great love. for those who have it, hold on to it.
nothingness
u speak of truths that were pure of heart. u speak of pain through ur despair. u speak of hope from acknowledging the past. so i gave the moment a chance.
you picked out flowers from the garden. you ate the fruits from labouring pains. you crossed rivers on the borders. you made reservations to share your passion. you enjoyed the sunsets and views from the oceans. it was ridiculous. it was wonderful. it was wonderland. you were in wonderland.
now in wonderland it seems quiet. now that youre gone. now that youve filled that satisfaction. the flowers die without exclaiming its glorious scent. the fruits seem as if they refuse to peek from its labour. the rivers dry up into smaller streams. your wondered on my backyard. your explorations were through the paths of my forest. there are no signage through wonderland. there are no expectations in wonderland. it is wonderland. thank you for stopping by.
but it was your wonderland. not mine. your wonderland was my reality.
i decree isolation, at times. what is it in solitude i find comforting? or is it a destination i seek to hid from all other. "you're just lonely sometimes" .. "i actually embrace solitude. i like being alone. but then again alone doesn't mean lonely"
you picked out flowers from the garden. you ate the fruits from labouring pains. you crossed rivers on the borders. you made reservations to share your passion. you enjoyed the sunsets and views from the oceans. it was ridiculous. it was wonderful. it was wonderland. you were in wonderland.
now in wonderland it seems quiet. now that youre gone. now that youve filled that satisfaction. the flowers die without exclaiming its glorious scent. the fruits seem as if they refuse to peek from its labour. the rivers dry up into smaller streams. your wondered on my backyard. your explorations were through the paths of my forest. there are no signage through wonderland. there are no expectations in wonderland. it is wonderland. thank you for stopping by.
but it was your wonderland. not mine. your wonderland was my reality.
i decree isolation, at times. what is it in solitude i find comforting? or is it a destination i seek to hid from all other. "you're just lonely sometimes" .. "i actually embrace solitude. i like being alone. but then again alone doesn't mean lonely"
irony
irony sometimes lead to provocation. if it wasnt ironic we proly wouldnt take notice of the situation, its how u relate what has happened, what is happening and what will happen. irony sometimes can be funny as well. to see things flowing to how the tracks were laid. how differently things would turn out if we had taken different routes, on that particular junction, at that particular time. yeah, "oh well"
u were wrong about me. and i am always wrong about myself. disclaimer for those not of the brave heart. i fight fire with fire most of the time. i am egoistic and proud of it, dictacting the potential disaster i am very much capable of creating and/or endure. treat me like a petty child and you will learn to discover my ire wrath. take me for granted and i shall take what is urs. *tis my speech in rage, only once in my life i really came up to the front lines and delivered my anger* provoke me and we shall find out together.
no use in trying to dig up passed emotions, either true or untrue. no use in lying. to everyone else and to ourselves. so stop. whatever bitterness came from knowingly and deservingly taking things for granted, we cant changed what has happened. we cant undiscover what has already been discovered. yes it feels good when ure on top of the world, and no it doesnt feel good when ure at the lowest point in ur life. yes it feels good when our free will takes us anywhere with anyone, and no its not great when u feel completely used. this phase of my life will proly be filled with deeply resentful indignation. this eeriness is a part of me, my being, and under my control. im learning to accept my shortcomings. i just need to be aware of what they are. awareness creates consciousness, in turn creates change. or not. we choose what we want to choose.
oh sleepless monster, why thou never part? one night turns countless, countless nights turned into weeks and months. give me back my peace of mind. my peace of soul and the peace shattered in my heart. the haggardness is cracking its way, slowly destroying what's tangible. "u sound old, u look older than ur age, u dont speak like ur age" yeah. oh well. ha-ha.
oh pure sleep on the beds in perth, where are thou? the best 2 months of sleep through my adult life. irony. the sleep that i yearn is the sleep i am conditioned to immunity.
the course was intensed to say the least. barely 3 hours per night, for 5-6 nights straight. i feel haggard. tire and unstable. and the monster hunts me down as soon as i lay my head to rest. how am i still standing? or functioning for that matter. coming out of the camp, challenged what i knew already about myself. at most i felt like it was my integrity being confronted and questioned. can i really comprehend or truly understand what integrity means, and what it means to myself. honesty is what i value most. where is my integrity if i cant be honest. how do we expect people to respect us when we dont even respect ouselves. we hurt, lie, and are untrue, unsincere, uncaring to ourselves. people will only follow suit. ironic how i provoked and predicted what will and has happened. directed and dictated by the subconscious tireless mind. and what i am left with? the "oh well-s" and "phases of life". move on. nothing to be ashamed of. nothing to hide from, or is there? we all hold truce to someone else's dark secret. and i am no different. which shall slip through, integrity or ego, mind or heart, faith or evil. play fire with fire and u will get burned.
Oh blue sands, can you tell me if I ever be happy? Oh blue sands, can I stay here forever? Oh blue sands, can you make them all go away? Oh blue sands, what are you doing in my hair?And everything will get better if I stay for a while And we’ll find another way to be happy one day And everything will get better if you hold on for a while And the sea come and sweeps us away from here (yuna: blue sands)
we are all put alive on this earth for a reason. we are capable of conditioning ourselves, to what ever we choose. we are of limitless potential. most of us fail to realise our potential with the time given. i am too guilty and at fault. so now i declare my eeriness and provocation. we need to understand where and who we are first before we know who to become.
Jangan marah, sayang
Jangan hampa
Jangan sedih, sayang
Jangan berduka
Kita bebas berlari ke hujung dunia
Tanganku sedia menunggu masa
Dunia ini, sayang
Penuh cabaran
Hati orang, sayang
Pandai berdendam
Kita bebas berterbang ke hujung angkasa
Bulan bintang menunggu kedatangan kita
Ayuh sayang
Ayuh sayang
Mari kejar kebenaran.
Cinta ini, sayang
Bukan biasa
Mulut ini, sayang
Takkan berdusta
Kita bebas berenang ke hujung lautan
Ombak-ombak tak kenal makna kekejaman
Cinta ini, sayang
Bukan biasa
Ayuh sayang,Demi cinta.
(mia palencia: sayang)
yeah, karma is a bitch.
u were wrong about me. and i am always wrong about myself. disclaimer for those not of the brave heart. i fight fire with fire most of the time. i am egoistic and proud of it, dictacting the potential disaster i am very much capable of creating and/or endure. treat me like a petty child and you will learn to discover my ire wrath. take me for granted and i shall take what is urs. *tis my speech in rage, only once in my life i really came up to the front lines and delivered my anger* provoke me and we shall find out together.
no use in trying to dig up passed emotions, either true or untrue. no use in lying. to everyone else and to ourselves. so stop. whatever bitterness came from knowingly and deservingly taking things for granted, we cant changed what has happened. we cant undiscover what has already been discovered. yes it feels good when ure on top of the world, and no it doesnt feel good when ure at the lowest point in ur life. yes it feels good when our free will takes us anywhere with anyone, and no its not great when u feel completely used. this phase of my life will proly be filled with deeply resentful indignation. this eeriness is a part of me, my being, and under my control. im learning to accept my shortcomings. i just need to be aware of what they are. awareness creates consciousness, in turn creates change. or not. we choose what we want to choose.
oh sleepless monster, why thou never part? one night turns countless, countless nights turned into weeks and months. give me back my peace of mind. my peace of soul and the peace shattered in my heart. the haggardness is cracking its way, slowly destroying what's tangible. "u sound old, u look older than ur age, u dont speak like ur age" yeah. oh well. ha-ha.
oh pure sleep on the beds in perth, where are thou? the best 2 months of sleep through my adult life. irony. the sleep that i yearn is the sleep i am conditioned to immunity.
the course was intensed to say the least. barely 3 hours per night, for 5-6 nights straight. i feel haggard. tire and unstable. and the monster hunts me down as soon as i lay my head to rest. how am i still standing? or functioning for that matter. coming out of the camp, challenged what i knew already about myself. at most i felt like it was my integrity being confronted and questioned. can i really comprehend or truly understand what integrity means, and what it means to myself. honesty is what i value most. where is my integrity if i cant be honest. how do we expect people to respect us when we dont even respect ouselves. we hurt, lie, and are untrue, unsincere, uncaring to ourselves. people will only follow suit. ironic how i provoked and predicted what will and has happened. directed and dictated by the subconscious tireless mind. and what i am left with? the "oh well-s" and "phases of life". move on. nothing to be ashamed of. nothing to hide from, or is there? we all hold truce to someone else's dark secret. and i am no different. which shall slip through, integrity or ego, mind or heart, faith or evil. play fire with fire and u will get burned.
Oh blue sands, can you tell me if I ever be happy? Oh blue sands, can I stay here forever? Oh blue sands, can you make them all go away? Oh blue sands, what are you doing in my hair?And everything will get better if I stay for a while And we’ll find another way to be happy one day And everything will get better if you hold on for a while And the sea come and sweeps us away from here (yuna: blue sands)
we are all put alive on this earth for a reason. we are capable of conditioning ourselves, to what ever we choose. we are of limitless potential. most of us fail to realise our potential with the time given. i am too guilty and at fault. so now i declare my eeriness and provocation. we need to understand where and who we are first before we know who to become.
Jangan marah, sayang
Jangan hampa
Jangan sedih, sayang
Jangan berduka
Kita bebas berlari ke hujung dunia
Tanganku sedia menunggu masa
Dunia ini, sayang
Penuh cabaran
Hati orang, sayang
Pandai berdendam
Kita bebas berterbang ke hujung angkasa
Bulan bintang menunggu kedatangan kita
Ayuh sayang
Ayuh sayang
Mari kejar kebenaran.
Cinta ini, sayang
Bukan biasa
Mulut ini, sayang
Takkan berdusta
Kita bebas berenang ke hujung lautan
Ombak-ombak tak kenal makna kekejaman
Cinta ini, sayang
Bukan biasa
Ayuh sayang,Demi cinta.
(mia palencia: sayang)
yeah, karma is a bitch.
sometimes
Sometimes by dwelling on our own misery we forget to appreciate the love others have for us. We forget to love them back. Those people in your life who you know wouldn’t trade you for anything or anyone else in the world. The real people that are ‘your’ people, ‘your’ person. Those who have stood by you, through your shortcomings. Through your downfall, through your sickness and through your health. They are the ones that bring you back the joy, the laughter, health and happiness. For the times I was absent, I apologize. For the presence you have given me, I thank you. I am fortunate to have many of these people I consider friends in my life. I am fortunate enough to grow in phases and keep meeting new friends.
For the past year has taught me so much. The extremeness and intensiveness is the lesson to be learn, on how to cope with situations that life hands you. Life will always be hard and will probably suck most of the time. You just need to survive it. Time again and again.
For the past year has taught me so much. The extremeness and intensiveness is the lesson to be learn, on how to cope with situations that life hands you. Life will always be hard and will probably suck most of the time. You just need to survive it. Time again and again.
the ground
is filled with paths and cross roads.
my knees are compelled to the ground. did we murder our roots in translation of the journey. my knees feel as if they belong close to the soil. "do u know whose child you are?"
green are the grasses and blue is the sky. colours fixed onto themes we can never change. "you know our wounds are still fresh, don't you notice our scars?"
rumours and slander are two very different things. capacity to seek which is which rarely comes in all fairness. like truths and politeness. meaning of two very different things. so whose and which."do you know whose child you are?"
impart truth to the declination of politeness. most divert from the route. politeness sometime is valued more than truths. cynical world we humans live in. the road less travelled. when we all walk on the same ground. our values could be million galaxies apart.
this is the disillusion and the disenchanted. this is our world. this is you and me. your dreamland could be my reality. my dreamland that was never built. my reality that was fraud. it comes with every way of light. it goes away with every blow of the wind. stand strong. stand still.
*imbedded quotes from mia palencia: anak siapa
my knees are compelled to the ground. did we murder our roots in translation of the journey. my knees feel as if they belong close to the soil. "do u know whose child you are?"
green are the grasses and blue is the sky. colours fixed onto themes we can never change. "you know our wounds are still fresh, don't you notice our scars?"
rumours and slander are two very different things. capacity to seek which is which rarely comes in all fairness. like truths and politeness. meaning of two very different things. so whose and which."do you know whose child you are?"
impart truth to the declination of politeness. most divert from the route. politeness sometime is valued more than truths. cynical world we humans live in. the road less travelled. when we all walk on the same ground. our values could be million galaxies apart.
this is the disillusion and the disenchanted. this is our world. this is you and me. your dreamland could be my reality. my dreamland that was never built. my reality that was fraud. it comes with every way of light. it goes away with every blow of the wind. stand strong. stand still.
*imbedded quotes from mia palencia: anak siapa
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